Another poo entry--but this one's not mine

This is a recent entry from my friend and suitemate, Sara's blog. She is my suitemate b/c she sits next to me at work in a cubicle area for two--and we BOTH sit next to the bathroom. Enjoy!

and that's the scoop on poop Current mood: contemplative Category: Life
I need to get something off of my chest. Or out of my bowels. Or ... whatever. Let me for a brief moment of your time talk about ... oh how do I put this nicely ... well, um, poop. More specifically the workplace bathroom offenders which here on out I will refer to as "poopetrators".
My desk is conveniently located directly adjacent to the shitters. Good for me when I gotsta pee. Not so good when one of my coworkers waltzes in there with the Fargo Forum tucked under his arm obviously going to take the browns to the superbowl. Let me tell you of some of the unpleasantries I've experienced. The first day at this particular location I was recording my voicemail greeting. Well ... it went a little something like this ... "This is Sara I will be in the bank today from 8 until 5. Feel free to leave me a message after (((FLUSH)))". Wowie. Thank you, co-worker for flushing the toilet and then immediately opening the door so it can be on my voicemail for all to hear. Jerk.
Read that last sentence again. That's right. There are several of my co-workers that must not be washing their hands after using the facilities. GROSS! I'm not asking that you perform a surgical scrub down, but at least rinse your fingers after you've been handling your ding ding. Or turn the water on to create an illusion of proper hand washing for my sake.
Here are some simple yet important rules to follow for successful corporate pooping:
1. I avoid the situation of corporate pooping at all costs. However, if you have "Delhi belly" and need to drop a deuce try to do so in the least used bathroom. Go to an entirely different floor if you can. Better yet, if possible, travel to a neighboring business and commit your offense there.
2. Flush often. I advise that you flush as soon as the first turdlet makes contact with the water to eliminate any stink. Flush as many times as you deem necessary. It also is in indicator to anyone in close proximity that you've committed an offense and they will know not to make eye contact with you once you leave to avoid awkwardness.
3. Do not waive your hands in the air frantically trying to get rid of any stink you may have emitted. This only breaks up the stink molecules and pushes them about the air freely thus doubling the wretched smell.
4. Get rid of the evidence. There are several things to take into consideration here ... it may help to have a mental checklist. Did I leave a trotsky trail? (Skidmark of poo mapping out exactly where it has been in the toilet.) Are there pee pee dribbles on the seat? Another tell-tale sign that you were sinkin' submarines is a warm toilet seat. The longer you sit the closer the seat will get to body temperature. Let it cool down slightly before exiting.
5. Do not try to disguise the stink with another scent. If you spray the nearby can of Lysol thinking you can camoflauge the stink you will only make matters worse. People will hear the aerosol sound and will become privy to the offense. Now they know you're ashamed of your actions. Plus, it will smell like poop AND Lysol. Not a good combo. I've heard lighting a match works. Just be careful not to set off any sprinklers.
6. Evacuate the premise immediately. What you've done is nothing to be proud of. Don't make eye contact or small talk. As soon as the coast is clear make a (discreet) break for it and head back to your desk like nothing happened.
And you never want to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. When someone has the nasty pidoodles before you and now you're stuck looking like the "poopetrator" when in fact you're just the victim of the aftermath. Maybe if we would all push brown and evacuate our bowels BEFORE we got to work this could all be avoided.